The "D" Word

The "D" Word Mark 10:1-12 February 28, 1999 Given by: Pastor Rich Bersett [Index of Past Messages] Introductory I want to speak to an issue that is a dangerous epidemic - Divorce. Today, the number of divorces filed is equal to the number of first-time marriages in America. And the statistics among professing Christians are almost exactly the same! I called that epidemic dangerous because the social fallout of this runaway divorce rate is a cancer systematically eating away at the core of American culture. There is no way you can look at broken homes, single-parent children, and all the economic and emotional stress that ensues from divorce, and really say anything good about it. I’ve visited and counseled with literally hundreds of divorcees, single moms and fatherless kids, single dads and motherless kids, abandoned children and dead-beat dads, and I can tell you most assuredly, nothing good ever comes from divorce. I am not denying there is often relief from being legally parted from someone who brought you much anguish. Nor would I argue with the person who says that the loneliness and stress that ensues after a divorce feels better than their hellish existence before their divorce. I’m sure that’s true. But the long-term effects of a divorce on the once-covenanted, now sundered couple, and especially on the children of divorce, are devastating. In a culture where divorce has become so rampant, so easy, so flip that there is virtually no stigma to it at all, it isn’t very politically correct to quote God who said, “I hate divorce!” How I struggled with this teaching this week! I felt certain that, as we made our way through the gospel of Mark, and found Jesus’ words on divorce here in our path at chapter 10, this was not one of the passages I could just skip over in order to get to one of the juicy, more preachable sections. The Spirit of God clearly led me to bring a message on this topic and text. My struggle as the preacher lay precisely where your struggle as listeners lay right now. I know that 25 of the 59 family units in our current church directory have been through a divorce in their current generation. At one and the same time, that statistic illustrates the issue and also complicates the issue. The prophet in me says be bold in the truth and rail against divorce, and the pastor in me says be sensitive and recognize the variety of hurts and needs in this group. One of the vanguard verses of my ministry is Ephesians 4:15 which comments on how we can all grow up into Christ - by “truthing in love.” I’ve always tried to practice balancing those two important kingdom principles - TRUTH AND LOVE - even while some of you thought I was too harsh and others thought I was to wishy-washy. Today is no different. While I do this delicate work I urge you as the body of Christ to do two things: Hear and obey the prophetic truth so you will know the will of God, and Listen carefully for the pastoral love and experience the grace of God. Dealing with the text - Mark 10:1-12 Once again, Jesus encounters the Pharisees trying to trick him with a question. They as religious leaders knew that the biblical teachers and scholars of their day had debated and debated this issue and not come to any agreement. So, in asking Jesus’ response, they could use His answer against Him somewhere. On top of that, Jesus and the disciples had now begun ministering in Perea, which was a territory under the Roman authority of Herod Antipas. You will remember that this is the Herod who had beheaded John the Baptist because he accused Herod of sinning by marrying his sister in law. They probably hoped they could get Jesus to say something about marriage and divorce that would get him in trouble with Herod. The point of debate concerning the divorce matter had to do with the primary law regarding divorce at Dt. 24:1 - If a man marries a woman who become displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her...Crucial were the words “something indecent”--did this mean something morally indecent (i.e.., adultery) per Shammai, or, per Hillel, was there a freer interpretation? Some in this school taught that if a wife did anything that a husband didn’t like, he could divorce her (even if she burned the toast!). So they were trying to see which side Jesus would take, then they could mount up some well-rehearsed arguments against Him in front of the crowd. You know, it was a little like asking the question, “Have you stopped robbing banks yet?” A YES or a NO will get you into trouble. But Jesus responds by asking them a question, appealing to the one He knew they honored as the authority, Moses. “Well, Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.” Here is where Jesus does His teaching and where, if we will hunker in close, we might hear some truth for ourselves on the matter. He acknowledged that the Law of Moses permitted divorce, but it didn’t prescribe divorce. “Moses only gave you that law because your hearts were hard (you were sinful).” Then He appeals to FIRST PRINCIPLES. “From the beginning it was not so.” God’s intent for marriage was clear in the earliest chapters of Genesis: one man for one woman for life. God intended that the marriage agreement between a man and a woman would be a lifelong, inviolable, unbroken covenant. What Moses allowed was a concession to man’s sinfulness, an accommodation to human weakness. This is important--when you come to Jesus make sure your question is a serious one, because His answer will be based on the pure will of God, not any legal loopholes or contractual fine print. When you come to Jesus He says, “You want to know the will of God? I’ll tell you the will of God: it’s not enough to not murder someone--His will is that you love and not hate; it’s not enough that you avoid sexual sin--His will is that you learn to not lust and covet what is not yours; You want to know the will of God about divorce? I’ll tell you the will of God about divorce - It’s “NO!” There, you nit-picking, legalistic, hypocritical Pharisees, how do you like them apples? He explains that the heart of the marriage is a COVENANT. God is a covenant-making, covenant-honoring God. Ecclesiates says never make a vow or covenant agreement you don’t intend to keep. This is why the words of the prophets are so strong when dealing with God’s people who have broken their covenant with the Lord by worshipping other gods (who are not gods). He says, “You have violated your holy covenant with me! You committed adultery by going out whoring after these prostitute wanna-be gods!” I believe it displeases God when two people who loved one another at one time decide to stop committing to each other. I’m certain He pities the heart broken children and the wounded spouse. After all He is the one who compassionately promised “I will be a father to the fatherless and a friend to the widow.” But what really breaks His heart is the broken covenant, the shattering of the vows that were shared in the presence of others, calling on His name as the divine witness. It is making a sham out of promises that kindles the righteous wrath of the faithful, promise-keeping God. It is the failure of people who have known his grace to keep covenant with one another. This is the sorrow of divorce. Now, for the third time, we find Jesus completing a public teaching among the crowd, then going right into a house and explaining the teaching further to the disciples privately. They entered the house (vs. 10) and the disciples predictably started asking about the topic. Do you suppose that among the disciples there might have been a couple of divorcees? How many in their immediate families might have been touched by divorce? When you discuss marriage and divorce, the conversation will inevitably lead to the question about re-marriage for the divorced persons. In verses 11 and 12, Jesus goes right after this subject, and delivers a very stark and unyielding word about the seriousness of, not so much divorce, and not so much remarriage, but of ADULTERY. Follow me now. We are so used to the debate centering on the “exception clause” that is found in the related teaching in Matthew 5 and 19. It is there that Jesus says that adultery is committed when someone divorces and remarries, EXCEPT in the case of (NOT ADULTERY, but) PORNEIA (or sexual sin). The word for ADULTERY is MOICHEIA which literally means unfaithfulness to vows or covenants (sometimes it involved sexual sin, but not nearly always). The adultery is the obliteration of the marriage covenant. Whatever reasons lead to the dissolution of a binding marriage, other than the exception of sexual sin, the breakdown of that marriage and the assumed remarriage of the divorced partners is MOICHEIA - ADULTERY - DESTRUCTION OF THE MARRIAGE COVENANT. And this is what displeases God. He does not want covenants to be broken. That’s why both in Matthew and Mark, Jesus’ comment on marriage was “What God has joined together let man not separate.” KJV “tear asunder”--this really gets at the meaning of MOICHEIA. Bottom Line Teaching What is the gist of Jesus’ teaching here? It is the same as all the rest of scripture--God’s perfect will is for marriage to not break apart. His desire from the very beginning was that the marriage covenant be honored in every way. Don’t separate what God has joined together. There are really two conditions specified in scripture under which God allows exception - PORNEIA in Matthew 5 and 19, and DESERTION in 1 Corinthians 7. Exhortations 1. Let us stress the perfect will of God - unadulterated marriage. We can stress what Jesus stressed - one man with one woman for life - in at least two different ways: 1 ) by living it out in our marriages. We do this by living with the assumption that dissolving this marriage is not an option. It is a matter of a sanctified attitude, a “bent”. 2) by teaching it to our children and in our church. By this I do not mean to make anyone who has gone through the horror of divorce seem like a worse sinner than any of the rest of us, but sometimes I wonder if some pendulum somewhere has not swung too far to the point where divorce is so common that we “wink” at the whole thing. I am not suggesting that we heap condemnation on divorced people--we should always rejoice the forgiveness we find in Christ through repentance But I believe we should experience a godly grieving over the dissolution of any marriage. Otherwise our kids look at divorce just like anyone else in the amoral culture around us and say, “Hey, no big deal! Some you win & some you lose! They just weren’t right for each other; or , Hey, sometimes you just fall out of love, and who could expect you to stay in that situation?” We ought to grieve over a failed marriage covenant like God grieves, and let our kids know in no uncertain terms that this is NOT the way God wants for marriage--this is the lamentable EXCEPTION to normal Christian marriage. 2. Let us urge the unmarried to prayerful consideration of their potential life partners. There are two practical words of wisdom I would like to share here: 1) MARRIAGE IS NOT A METHOD OF EVANGELISM. How many times I have had a Christian girl tell me she was getting married and when I would inevitably ask the question, “Is he a Christian?” I get some malarkey comment like, “Well, not yet, but we’ll see about that!” or “Oh, yes, he’s a member of the ______ church.” Is he actively living for Jesus? “Well, not really.” There are dozens of disillusioned Christian women who married under these unbiblical conditions, believing they could win their husband to Christ whom I would love to parade in front of these girls and have them share their pitiful stories of a miserable life with an unsaved husband who is becoming increasingly antagonistic toward her church involvement. IT DOESN’T WORK! By the way, by extension, DATING is not a method of evangelism, either! 2) DON’T BE UNEQUALLY YOKED. Do not even consider marrying a husband or wife who is not anywhere nearly as serious about the Lord as you are. Christian or not. Listen, do you want to serve Jesus in your future? Do you want to raise your kids in the faith or not? Do you want spiritual unity in your home or spiritual chaos? You are talking about the rest of your life here, AND the sanctifying influence of God-fearing parents in the lives of your children. 3. Encourage those who have undergone the trauma of divorce (both the spouses and the children) in the assurance that God and the church still love them, and that His forgiveness is available. It is alarming how easy it is for those of us who know better to treat divorce as the unpardonable sin. In many sectors of the Church people find it easier to forgive murder than divorce. Listen, the scripture says that God hates divorce--but He loves divorcees, just like He loves the rest of us sinners! 4. Let each married partner do whatever it takes to avoid divorce by being the godly spouse we are called to be. That’s a bit of a negative approach, but in the context of discussion of divorce, it seems appropriate. I want to emphasize this morning that Jesus clearly said, “What God has joined together, let man not separate.” The New Testament teaching is clear at every point - Christian spouses who have the Holy Spirit living in them are empowered to serve one another out of reverence for Christ. And if we will do the Christian thing of considering the other person before ourselves, we will create an atmosphere of trust and deepening love and commitment. That is when divorce is no longer part of our vocabulary. I want to recommend highly a book that is so profoundly simple in outlining the needs of husbands and wives from a biblical and sociological perspective that I don’t think you can beat it as a primer for marriage health. It is entitled His Needs - Her Needs, subtitled ‘Building an Affair-Proof Marriage. The Christian author, Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., presents his basic thesis as this: if the husband will learn what his wife’s real needs are, and commit himself to meeting those needs; and if the wife will learn what her husband’s real needs are, and will commit herself to meeting those needs; then you will have a marriage that does, in fact, bring itself health. His chart is disarmingly simple, yet realistic: HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS Sexual fulfillment Affection Recreational companionship Conversation attractive spouse Honesty and Openness domestic support Financial Support (Security) admiration Family Commitment   The point of this exhortation, however, is not to sell a book -- it is to encourage Christian men and women to strengthen their marriages in every practical way, so that they will avoid the devastation of divorce, AND honor the Lord. Close with the reading of Ephesians 5:20-33 over the husbands and wives of the church.         [Top]